I sprained my ankle last night, nothing serious mind you, but ridiculous and embarrassing. I was walking to the bus and stepped on what looked like a curb covered in vegetation, but was in fact, just vegetation. This happened of course, across the street from a large group or attractive men playing basketball (not that they noticed) and right in front of a super attractive cab driver. (Why is that when I take cabs I only ever get old guy drivers?)
Blushing through the embarrassment of responding to the cabbie’s concerned inquiry and having to crab walk myself out of the street and onto the sidewalk I realized two things. One, I’m far more concerned at this moment with what a group of basketball playing strangers and an attractive cab driver think of me then I am about having potentially seriously injured myself. And two, if I can’t walk the rest of the way to the bus I can’t afford to get home.
Sometimes, my life is sad.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Calm Spot
I’m broke. That is the fastest way to explain my situation. I could regale you with the long, sordid details of my very typical story, but what it boils down to is, I’m broke and in debt. I realize that this is a depressing fact for a lot of people in the United States, and that in the grand scheme of monetary wealth I’m way better off than the vast majority of the world population. But those truths don’t really get me around the fact that lately, I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over – what do you do when you find yourself poor?
For me anyway, the short term answer was to ignore it. It was a lot easier to not think about it than to try and figure out how to rectify my past mistakes. What can I say, it wasn’t smart, I knew it, but I did it anyway. I’m a procrastinator by nature. The unfortunate part though, is that I’m also a worrier. Eventually even I couldn’t ignore the phone calls or the fact that my mail was filled with unpleasantness. (And yes I tried letting it pile up and ignoring it – that is when the phone calls start.)
There is a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with the realization that you’ve made a mess of your life and basically put a roadblock to your future that is going to take years to climb over. And there are a lot of hard realities about being broke in a society that makes being poor awkward and socially isolating, but there are some key lessons (yes, lessons – I know, I know, cliché) that I have managed to garner out of this experience.
The big one, the one that starts the ball rolling to all the others, is responsibility. I never – or at least not for more than a few self-pity filled minutes – thought that my situation was somebody else’s fault. I know why I’m broke. I made really bad decisions for a long time, and even when I started making better ones, it was too late. I chose and I reaped the ‘rewards’. This basic concept of cause and effect seems to be eroding quickly and quietly in our society. There seems to be a lot of finger pointing these days and a lot of instantaneous gratifying going on. I am just as guilty as anyone else, but the thing is, late at night when I’m alone, I know that the only person truly responsible for my life is me.
This leads me to the next big lesson - the really hard one for a procrastinator like me - Action. Once you start accepting your own role in where you are, you are left with the only sure way of getting out. You are going to have to do something. I had to hit some walls and bounce off a few rock bottoms, but I’m finally beginning to learn that if I don’t do something then things are going to remain the same and since that is totally unacceptable to me my only path forward is to do something.
I’ve still got a constant stress level that is sky high, my heart beat skips when the phone rings, my mail is still scary to even look at, and I’m far, far away from any semblance of financial control. I often look in longing at the lottery Powerball billboards around town and daydream about the possibilities, but for some reason, just acknowledging that it is my fault and that I do have the ability to fix it, makes me feel better. Even though fixing it is going to be way harder than buying a lottery ticket.
For me anyway, the short term answer was to ignore it. It was a lot easier to not think about it than to try and figure out how to rectify my past mistakes. What can I say, it wasn’t smart, I knew it, but I did it anyway. I’m a procrastinator by nature. The unfortunate part though, is that I’m also a worrier. Eventually even I couldn’t ignore the phone calls or the fact that my mail was filled with unpleasantness. (And yes I tried letting it pile up and ignoring it – that is when the phone calls start.)
There is a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with the realization that you’ve made a mess of your life and basically put a roadblock to your future that is going to take years to climb over. And there are a lot of hard realities about being broke in a society that makes being poor awkward and socially isolating, but there are some key lessons (yes, lessons – I know, I know, cliché) that I have managed to garner out of this experience.
The big one, the one that starts the ball rolling to all the others, is responsibility. I never – or at least not for more than a few self-pity filled minutes – thought that my situation was somebody else’s fault. I know why I’m broke. I made really bad decisions for a long time, and even when I started making better ones, it was too late. I chose and I reaped the ‘rewards’. This basic concept of cause and effect seems to be eroding quickly and quietly in our society. There seems to be a lot of finger pointing these days and a lot of instantaneous gratifying going on. I am just as guilty as anyone else, but the thing is, late at night when I’m alone, I know that the only person truly responsible for my life is me.
This leads me to the next big lesson - the really hard one for a procrastinator like me - Action. Once you start accepting your own role in where you are, you are left with the only sure way of getting out. You are going to have to do something. I had to hit some walls and bounce off a few rock bottoms, but I’m finally beginning to learn that if I don’t do something then things are going to remain the same and since that is totally unacceptable to me my only path forward is to do something.
I’ve still got a constant stress level that is sky high, my heart beat skips when the phone rings, my mail is still scary to even look at, and I’m far, far away from any semblance of financial control. I often look in longing at the lottery Powerball billboards around town and daydream about the possibilities, but for some reason, just acknowledging that it is my fault and that I do have the ability to fix it, makes me feel better. Even though fixing it is going to be way harder than buying a lottery ticket.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Know a Lot About a Lot
It’s funny how just talking about something can impact choices days later. I was just discussing Helvetica, both the movie and the font, with some friends the other night and now it is the font I’m picking to type in. It seems to best represent the monotonous atmosphere of my life today. Not that there is anything wrong - besides the usual anyway. It is just that I can only handle boredom for so long and then I get antsy, angry, and frustrated at my own lack of motivation.
About a week ago I was listening to some Ani at work and this line from her song Willing to Fight popped out at me, “You got your whole life to do something & that’s not very long”. That sentiment just seemed to sum up my whole angsty mind frame. It fit so well with my recent obsessive thoughts about mortality and how quickly time is passing.
So I’m wondering … is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
I certainly don’t feel like I’m in the middle of my life. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of the possibilities of what my life can be. But I am certainly getting older and there is now a definite demarcation between me and the 20 something adults I see out. And there is now this ever constant nagging in the back of my mind that I am running out of time.
I don’t feel nearly old enough, but I already feel like I need to ask for a do over, like, uhm … excuse me? Fate? I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the plethora of opportunities you’ve already given me, but … ahh … could you give me back the last 10 years or so? I think I made some mistakes.
I don’t even really mean mistakes. It’s more like opportunities wasted. Although if you asked me to name anything specific I wished I’d followed through on I’d be hard pressed to think of one. It is just starting to feel like I’ve let my natural tendency towards laziness and procrastination along with some un-nameable fear - fear of failing, fear of making someone not like me? – keep me from following through on life.
It’s also likely that it is less laziness and fear and really all about indecision and being easily distracted. It’s like that saying. “There are two types of people. Some know a little about a lot of things and others know a lot about a few things.” Well, I want the time and energy to know a lot about a lot of things. Because how do you narrow down the possibilities enough to pick a few of the innumerable fascinating topics and experiences out there and say, this is it! This is the one!
About a week ago I was listening to some Ani at work and this line from her song Willing to Fight popped out at me, “You got your whole life to do something & that’s not very long”. That sentiment just seemed to sum up my whole angsty mind frame. It fit so well with my recent obsessive thoughts about mortality and how quickly time is passing.
So I’m wondering … is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
I certainly don’t feel like I’m in the middle of my life. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of the possibilities of what my life can be. But I am certainly getting older and there is now a definite demarcation between me and the 20 something adults I see out. And there is now this ever constant nagging in the back of my mind that I am running out of time.
I don’t feel nearly old enough, but I already feel like I need to ask for a do over, like, uhm … excuse me? Fate? I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the plethora of opportunities you’ve already given me, but … ahh … could you give me back the last 10 years or so? I think I made some mistakes.
I don’t even really mean mistakes. It’s more like opportunities wasted. Although if you asked me to name anything specific I wished I’d followed through on I’d be hard pressed to think of one. It is just starting to feel like I’ve let my natural tendency towards laziness and procrastination along with some un-nameable fear - fear of failing, fear of making someone not like me? – keep me from following through on life.
It’s also likely that it is less laziness and fear and really all about indecision and being easily distracted. It’s like that saying. “There are two types of people. Some know a little about a lot of things and others know a lot about a few things.” Well, I want the time and energy to know a lot about a lot of things. Because how do you narrow down the possibilities enough to pick a few of the innumerable fascinating topics and experiences out there and say, this is it! This is the one!
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