Know a Lot About a Lot

It’s funny how just talking about something can impact choices days later. I was just discussing Helvetica, both the movie and the font, with some friends the other night and now it is the font I’m picking to type in. It seems to best represent the monotonous atmosphere of my life today. Not that there is anything wrong - besides the usual anyway. It is just that I can only handle boredom for so long and then I get antsy, angry, and frustrated at my own lack of motivation.

About a week ago I was listening to some Ani at work and this line from her song Willing to Fight popped out at me, “You got your whole life to do something & that’s not very long”. That sentiment just seemed to sum up my whole angsty mind frame. It fit so well with my recent obsessive thoughts about mortality and how quickly time is passing.

So I’m wondering … is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

I certainly don’t feel like I’m in the middle of my life. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of the possibilities of what my life can be. But I am certainly getting older and there is now a definite demarcation between me and the 20 something adults I see out. And there is now this ever constant nagging in the back of my mind that I am running out of time.
I don’t feel nearly old enough, but I already feel like I need to ask for a do over, like, uhm … excuse me? Fate? I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the plethora of opportunities you’ve already given me, but … ahh … could you give me back the last 10 years or so? I think I made some mistakes.

I don’t even really mean mistakes. It’s more like opportunities wasted. Although if you asked me to name anything specific I wished I’d followed through on I’d be hard pressed to think of one. It is just starting to feel like I’ve let my natural tendency towards laziness and procrastination along with some un-nameable fear - fear of failing, fear of making someone not like me? – keep me from following through on life.

It’s also likely that it is less laziness and fear and really all about indecision and being easily distracted. It’s like that saying. “There are two types of people. Some know a little about a lot of things and others know a lot about a few things.” Well, I want the time and energy to know a lot about a lot of things. Because how do you narrow down the possibilities enough to pick a few of the innumerable fascinating topics and experiences out there and say, this is it! This is the one!